It is with some regret I write these lines to you today. Your casual demeanor around the office and your parade of often crude and tactless jokes are not without appreciation amongst the staff. It is however for your alleged writing ability that you received this hiring. Gary, your writing is all over the map and lacks a cohesive element. It is as if it were the product of random birds of all types building the same nest for their young.
Although your opinions are bold and refreshing at times, the blow- back from some of our more alert readers cannot be completely discounted. To use a grotesque analogy, if an ancient xerox machine were to be stored upside down near an open window and periodically rained upon when the wind was right, and the water filtered down through the ink cartridges onto some scattered sheets of paper beneath, pooling in odd and peculiar forms, the result would be similar to most of your attempts at writing., And if, some years later,these ink blots were to be noticed by a passing janitorial custodian and brought by the office coffee room, i expect the ensuing laughter would not be a far cry from the weekly amusement of your peers as they "critique' your writing style.
Your cheque is awaiting at the front desk. I'm sure your considerable talents will prove useful in another setting, but not in this office.
Sincerely and with regret;